steph


I’ve had a bad case of blogger’s block since February 4th. I’ve really struggled to think of something that was interesting enough to share. I thought about describing some of my workouts but I felt that was too boring (although, if that’s something you’d like, let me know). I thought about sharing dinner recipes but I wasn’t feeling that either. I’ve actually been stressing about my lack of creativity. Am I that dull that I have nothing to share?! My husband suggested I blog at least 2 times a week if I want to build my audience, which is one of my goals. Two times a week seems impossible since I can’t even produce a blog every 2 weeks! So, I began to feel pressure to get something on my site. The problem was that I didn’t want to post just anything on it; I wanted it to be worthwhile. My husband and I have had several discussions about possible topics. He thought that maybe I should start writing about more personal issues. This definitely scared me. I agreed with him that I should but I just didn’t know if I could. I’m not the kind of person to open up about personal subject matter. The reasons for that would take another blog, or five haha. The hubs mentioned personal topics because they might give something for people to connect with and really get to know me. He said that my experiences may even help someone, or at least help make me more relatable. I agreed with everything he said but it still scared me. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and that’s what sharing would do- make me vulnerable. Sharing my struggles terrifies me. What if people say rude things? What if I’m confusing? What if people misjudge me? What if I embarrass myself or my family? What if people don’t care? The “what if” game could go on and on…

The conversation between us took place a few weeks ago and I’ve attempted to blog but chickened out each time. And that’s why my blog hasn’t been updated since February 4th. I follow Dougall Fraser on Twitter, watch him co-host “That Sex Show” on Logo, and read his blog (trust me, this will make sense). He’s a psychic, author, and cosmic coach. I first saw him on “That Sex Show” and was immediately drawn to his energy. I want to be his best friend hahah. I did some research (and by research I mean Google) to find out more about this “Queer Guy with a Third Eye” and found his blog (www.dougallfraser.com). I swear he was talking to me through his latest post!

“We are all presented with opportunities to be vulnerable. Whether in our work environment, at social gatherings or with family, our brains tend to operate out of fear. We create small, exaggerated illusions of who we are and what we can share in order to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, this doesn’t get us anywhere and often leaves us feeling alone. Think of those moments when you felt truly connected to someone; aren’t most of them moments when one of you exposed your truth?” (source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dougall-fraser/lets-get-vulnerable-baby_b_2718380.html)

Holy cow! I certainly create an illusion of who I am and what I share. I’m not saying that I am dishonest. In fact, this is the most true-to-me I’ve been in a long time. I just withhold things about myself so I’m protected from being hurt or rejected. While it may protect my feelings, it also prevents me from developing close relationships, especially with women.

Since the hubs brought up the personal angle for a blog, my gut told me I should do it. But I didn’t want to listen. Then I read Dougall’s  post and my gut started yelling at me. Ok! Ok! This time I listened.

I like routines because I’m forgetful and routines help me remember what I need to do and where I need to go. My nighttime routine is to bring a glass of water to bed so I can take my meds. I take Synthroid, for hypothyroidism, first thing in the morning because it needs to be taken on an empty stomach. Synthroid can’t be taken with a multivitamin because it won’t be properly absorbed so I take that at night. Along with the vitamin I take my “crazy pill.” That affectionate nickname is for Effexor. I take it to help treat depression. I know admitting I have  depression isn’t earth-shattering, especially because many people are affected by it, but it’s something I’ve divulged to only a few people. It’s an awkward thing to tell someone because there is never a “perfect time.” I tend to reveal it after they have shared something I feel is equally personal. I’m not the first one to fess up! One reason so few people know is because I don’t develop a close enough relationship with anyone to feel comfortable blabbing that info.Maybe I subconsciously pull away to avoid it. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to be judged or have pre-conceived ideas about me. I guess I need to trust people more and understand that judging isn’t going to be an automatic response and learn to be ok if it is. Avoiding relationships isn’t healthy and like Dougall said, “it often leaves us feeling alone.” And it really does. I am so fortunate to be married to a man who understands it and loves all parts of me. He is so supportive and helps in every way he can. I cherish our relationship so it’s unfair to expect him to be my everything. It’s unfair and unhealthy. I need different kind of relationships in my life.

The hubs teases me about writing things down on paper when I could use something electronic for notes, calendars, appointments, etc. I’m old school, what can I say? I have a notebook where I keep track of blog ideas, home improvement ideas, “to do” lists, and social goals. There is only one category that is blank.

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Depression has affected all areas of my life in some way but I feel  like my social life has been hit the hardest. I see a therapist once a week and we work on it. I’ve gone to therapy on and off since I was 11. My parents pulled me out of a small Catholic school ( I was in a class of 17 kids) and placed me in a much larger public school (class of 300 kids) so they felt talking to someone would help me with the transition. I don’t remember talking much about school. I mostly spoke about my home life. I’ve seen a few different people since then but have been with my current therapist for years. At first I was embarrassed about being in therapy but now I am able to “own it.” It feels so good to share insecurities and worries with someone you know won’t judge you. She has been amazing through some really tough times.

Wow, if you are still reading this…thank you!! It’s turning into a much longer post then I anticipated! Once I started writing, everything began to flow so I wanted to take advantage! Before I turn to something more fun, I want to say that I’m going to incorporate more of my struggles and successes with depression. Don’t worry, I won’t be doom and gloom! I feel that nutrition, exercise, and motivation are heavily linked to a state- of- the-mind and I want to share my experiences.

Now, onto something FUN!! Remember back in August when I was a P.A. for a music video? Well, the video was finally released yesterday!! I’ve been so excited to see the final product. I helped with the filming two fight scenes between the girls and a zombie so I had no idea about the full premise of the video. So, here it is- Hologram by Xelle.  The video is a “create your own adventure” so there’s a lot to it. It’s fun to go through but if you just want to see the scenes that I helped with, click on the following two links:

Mimi Fighting the Zombie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5hlHg6MzyI&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_956717

Rony Fighting the Zombie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0plAnNKyfE&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_548552

I think I’ve exposed myself as much as I can for one blog post hahaha. Thank you for taking the time I read; your interest is much appreciated! Stay fabulous (even if you’re depressed) 🙂 xoxo

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